Once every night, I turn on the tube and plonk myself down on my bed to channel-surf before I do other less important stuff.
And it just so happens that I press the button 3, and the famous Channel 8 pops up on my screen. I let out an audible (I do mean VERY LOUD) gasp as Allan Wu opens his mouth, and out comes an outpouring of rather questionable Mandarin.
I cringe. I swear, I cringe every time I hear Allan Wu speak Chinese (or Mandarin, to be exact). It’s actually cringe-able.
Of course, other things on ‘House of Joy’ make me cringe too, including Randall Tan’s absolutely horrific acting and the horrible, horrible plot of the story which is even worse.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, but a basic requirement on acting on Channel 8 is that you have to be able to speak Mandarin right, isn’t that so? Not just in the right yin diao ( – , / , v, \ ) but also to be able to make sure the viewers don’t choke on their own spit. But every time Allan Wu says money (QUAN! Wo hui jiun kuai han niu QUAN) I actually stare at the screen in disbelief while my mom bursts out laughing.
Here are 2 disclaimers:
1) My Mandarin isnt the best of the best either… I would say it’s just B+ (barely there A at most) so you may say I have no right to comment BUT…
2) I’m sure a lot of viewers out there will agree with me about Allan Wu’s Mandarin-speaking skills BUT…
3) Allan Wu is a fantastical actor with fantastical looks and he speaks English quite well SO…
WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU ACTING IN A MANDARIN DRAMA SERIAL!
Oh, my GOODNESS! Allan Wu, the famous host of Amazing Race Asia. Allan Wu, a finalist in Fear Factor bringing pride and joy (not to mention horror and disgust at the ground nightcrawlers and whatnot) to Singapore. Allan Wu, ex-varsity football player and huge guy with good looks and damn-good arms to match. Allan Wu, married to Li-Lin, who is about the only woman in the world who can match him in looks and brains, and who is a radio DJ/Dance Floor judge/ex-TripleNine actress/Mother.
WHY, Allan, why would you move to Channel 8 when you can’t even speak Chinese properly?
Simple answer.
Because Singapore local-made English television has no hope.
To prove my point, let me recap quickly some of the TV shows on Channel 5 you can find by turning on the TV randomly.
Monday
7.30 – 9.30: So You Think You Can Dance 2
10.00 – 11.00: America’s Next Top Model Cycle 6
11.00 – 12.00: Nip/Tuck 2
Tuesday
8.00 – 9.30: Phua Chu Kang / My Sassy Neighbour / Turning Point
10.00 – 11.00: CSI: Miami
11.00 – 12.00: Criminal Minds
12.00 – 1.00 am: The O.C Season 3
Wednesday
10.00 – 10.30: The Finer Side
10.30 – 11.30: Project Runway 3
Thursday
8.00 – 9.30: Coffee Talk and Hawker Woks/The Yang Sisters/Without Warning
10.00 – 11.00: Prison Break
11.00- 12.00 am: Commander in Chief (until some person at ABC stupidly cancelled it)
Friday (MY FAVORITE DAY)
7.30 – 8.30: Smallville 5
8.30 – 9.30: Charmed 8
10.00 – 11.00: Ghost Whisperer
11.00 – 12.00 am: Survivor Cook Islands
Saturday
10.00 – 10.30: Tab TV
10.30 – 12.30: M1 commerical-free movie
Sunday (ANOTHER GREAT DAY)
10.00 – 10.30: Incredible Tales
10.30 – 11.30: The Apprentice
11.30 – 12.30: Alias 5
12.30 – 1.00 am: Friends 2
I realized that on the TV schedule, there is no space whatsoever for local acting. Local shows made in English go the way of hosting at the most. Tab TV, IT, Finer Side etc. Acting is seriously lacking because there is just so many ang-moh shows cashing in on Channel 5 that there simply is no space for good local English teletime. Foreign talent invasion happens not only in real life, but in reel life too. Once one show goes off air, another one returns to take over the slot (Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lost, Veronica Mars, anybody?)
Many people realized that years ago when Survivor first hit our shores and everyone went gaga over it (including me) but I just realized it yesterday after Allan Wu tried to speak Chinese. It struck me quite hard, with about as much finesse as a sledgehammer in heat.
So when I ask friends, “What Singaporean acting shows do you hear of?” they go “Phua Chu Kang, My Sassy Neighbour, etc etc”. which brings me to my next point of view.
Are all the Singaporean shows we can come up with My Sassy Neighbour, which is not Sassy at all, and Phua Chu Kang, which, by the way reminds us all that Singlish is very much certifiably NOT the official speaking language of our nation? Sure, sure, they show our Singaporean nature and all, but Maggi and Me (not to mention The Yang Sisters) showed of our Singapore side (multiracial jokes and Singlish included) and yet there was still a good level of class, though it must be said that there is something wrong with our state of television if sitcoms have to show the class.
Though local English acting in recent times has gone down, the number of actors has instead risen dramatically. So where do the excess go?
1) Arts Central (Front is good, but with Eunice Olsen there promoting arts and all with her politically correct voice, Randall you stand no chance)
2) Kids Central (dominated by Kids, for Kids, with a couple of exceptions being the funny Mervyn and Evelyn, who in their own right are very grown-up kids and that’s great)
3) Overseas (Travelling back and fro costs an entire day’s pay in its own right and besides why would Malaysians let our actors sui sui bian bian qiang fan wan (Steal rice bowl)?)
4) Channel 8
Yes, so that leaves the Chinese channel, even though most of our English actors screw up in that langauge. After all, there are TWO chinese channels (U and
so while the veterans take the good primetime 8 pm slots on 8 (Quan Yifeng, Bryan Wang Lu Jiang, Marcus Chin and Mark Lee) the ‘crossover leftovers’ (as my mom so fondly calls them) are left with the 9 pm drama serial, while U gets the Hongkong soap operas.
Okay, so at least they have a job. But they could at least have gotten some Mandarin lessons first. In any case though, while their Mandarin still needs a good deal of improving, the second thing that causes me to cringe is the horrible plot each drama serial have. I swear, each of the 9 pm dramas reminds me of one of the past dramas on the channel.
It’s as if all the scriptwriters one fine day just ran out of ideas and decided to recycle, reuse and reduce material (cause it’s good to be environmentally conscious) from their previous scripts. It’s either the in-law who hates the new daughter’s boyfriend or mom, or the cad who’s been screwing another woman and slapping his wife/girlfriend all around the place, or the business executive who gets in trouble with the law and has to run away and says a tearful goodbye to his family.
In fact, yesterday on ‘House of Joy’ i watched Chen Hanwei run after Bus 107 which Ivy Lee was on and I just BURST OUT LAUGHING. Could the storyline get anymore tacky and out-of-a-storybook? And as if that wasn’t enough, Chen Hanwei later ran to the nearest clinic with Ivy’s on-screen baby in arms. Running here running there. Someone get the poor guy a Gatorade already.
So if the Channel 8 and Channel 5 drama-acting leaves viewers in shock and disbelief (of the bad kind), then where else can we turn to?
The so-called ‘ang-moh’ TV shows, which, by the way, are exciting, interesting, fresh and very captivating to watch. So it’s no wonder we turn to the foreign TV, ’cause the foreign TV, frankly, is a much better source of entertainment.
There. I said it. And then…
I am suddenly reminded of the chicken-and-egg question.
Was it the poor scripting that led to the introduction of new American TV and the loss of Growing Up, Triple Nine and Heartlanders, or was it the introduction of the new American TV that led to the poor scripting?
I completely have no idea. And I’m sure one day it’ll all come to me in a drama serial dream.
But until then, I’m going to watch some TV. And you know which kind.