Parental Guidance

Today was another one of those rare days when my parents were unusually witty and full of quips.

It began from the moment I woke up, at close to 11, finding out that my mom had left very early to do something. She came back at 12, excitedly holding up brunch and some weirdly packed bags.

Mom: “OH MY GOODNESS! I think I got forced into buying things!”
Me: “Huh? Why?”
Mom: “Just now I went to the wet market at Serangoon North for the first time this year! I think people can tell you now! All the people were yelling at me to buy SOMETHING!”
Me: “So what did you buy?”
Mom: “Prawns… fish… eggs… some vegetable…I cannot tahan pressure!”

My parents cannot cook. Make an omelette yes. But to make prawns edible requires far more skill than they have imbued. It’s the truth. And a very funny one.

My mom, the wet market virgin. Martha Stewart would NOT approve.

Another quote.

Mom: Look at that Benji! (We were watching The Dance Floor) And look how fat you are.
Dad: I think maybe I should not eat.
Mom: You can’t not eat!
Dad: But then at least I’ll be thin.

Nicole Richie would SO approve.

Another quote.

Mom: Everytime outside NTUC, there was this monk who holds a bowl and looks around asking for money. He’s like a total con lah.
Dad: So don’t give him any money.
Mom: Crazy ah. What if he kills me?

My mom and I were talking just now over two bags of Lays (her favorite Salt and Vinegar and my fave Sour Cream and Onion) and Heroes on TV and she asked me randomly, “Eh, why do people fail?”

I said, “People fail because that’s the only way they can succeed. People fail because they need to learn.”

And she replied, “Dear, this is Singapore. In Singapore, you fail, you die.”

I couldn’t help but cringe at her words. I’ve failed in many tests before. Does that mean I’m forever gone?

There is no truth in her words, but somehow, I have a feeling that she’s more right than I would ever want her to be.

It’s shocking really, that Singapore is so competitive, and yet I also feel worry and fear that I cannot compete. It is not natural for such fear and worry, but as they say, ‘a ticking time bomb is heard by only those who fear to die.’

I hope you get my gist.

My parents mean a lot, but I think that what they don’t mean is what we, as their kids, really feel. It’s tough, but that’s life.

Life, is like, wet-market. Maybe you get forced. You get tricked. But in the end the decision is made by no one but yourself.

Whether this decision is good or not, it’s not up to one to judge.

Making Sense of a Massacre

I know all ye faithful readers of my blog must been wondering, “It’s been over a week. Why hasn’t Kar Liang posted anything commenting on the Virginia Tech massacre?”

I’ve been busy.

“But, what! Not even a word about it? A peek? An outraged comment?”

Truth is, I’ve been thinking over what to post. This is a really delicate issue, and I really needed to post a fair account.

Then I realized, when something such as this has happened, a violent, ruthless, and cruel massacre, there is NO fair account.

Cho Seung-Hui, personally, I feel, should just rot in hell for eternity.

Strong words, but that’s how I feel about it. Strongly.

I’ve said this once, and I’ve said this twice.

There is NO excuse whatsoever for murder. And not murder you know. A MASSACRE.

Not just one gunshot to kill someone, like what sometimes happens in the Bronx, or at West End, which is of course another thing.

This is a situation where a completely deranged person comes into a school with two handguns ablazing, and decides to execute these students one by one, chainsaw style, albeit with much modern technology.

He shot again and again. Wounded were shot till they died. Dead were shot till they had repeated holes in their body. He lined people up, giving them false hope that he wouldn’t shoot them, and then fired into them repeatedly like during Sook-Ching during World War II. Only with more bullets. Only by HIMSELF.

A lot of people have tried to justify his actions.

“Oh, he was bullied in school! He was shy! He was unaccepted!”
“Oh, you know, he had some psychoproblem! He was not of sane mind!”
“Oh, it was all the stress that made him crack!”

What NONSENSE.

SO what if he was bullied in school? I’ve said it before, on my blog no less, that being bullied or called names or WHATEVER is no reason to go around with two handguns ablazing.

http://fineattitude.blogspot.com/2007/03/why-are-some-so-stupid.html

If the fellow bullies you, you could cry. You could complain. You could fight back. You could even sabotage him or ruin his life back.

But to kill AN ENTIRE TWO CLASSES OF STUDENTS… NOW THAT IS UNPARDONABLE!

To kill teachers who didn’t piss you off in any way… To kill acquaintances who have tried to help you… To kill students who maybe accidentally bumped you in the hall that day.

That is utter madness.

And hence, people use his sanity of mind to justify his actions.

So what?

Are you telling me that mentally-unsound people have every right to bring guns to school and put holes in people’s bodies for the fun of it?

If it wasn’t for the fun of it, THEN WHAT WAS IT FOR?

Revenge?

WHAT REVENGE could you possibly take out on Liviu Librescu, who probably didn’t do anything but give you a C+ for a mark?

If I fired a bullet for everytime I failed something, many people would be dead by now.

In fact, today’s Physics quiz wasn’t so swell. I think I should take out my trusty old Glock and let loose some rounds, to, you know, RELIEVE STRESS.

The fact is that V Tech didn’t even try to stop this guy from coming to school. Which is again, outrageous.

Nikki Giovanni, Cho’s creative writing class professor, saw the signs. She tried to get Cho out of her class. The rest of the school teaching populace should have read the signs too and somehow suspended him.

Though I doubt it would have had any use.

He probably would have taken out the guns anyway and let loose in his neighbourhood or go to school anyway and kill there.

Cho should really rot in hell. Or die 32 times again.

I have not seen such utter FOOLISHNESS AND SELFISHNESS EVER!

In my lifetime of a short 15+ years, I have seen some immaturity. But THAT MASSACRE, by all standards, wasn’t a show of maturity or adulthood.

Far from that.

Cho Seung-Hui just showed to the ENTIRE WORLD what a foolish, selfish idiot he is. To SHOOT an entire two classes just because a select few called him names or insulted him is PLAIN IMMATURITY.

You have to agree.

Not immaturity then what? He apparently had the mental soundness to go and PLAN their execution meticulously. He apparently had the ability and consciousness to purchase guns with a credit card.

FOR GOD’S SAKE!

I’ve been called so many damn names in this life! I won’t mention some here, but sometimes some names I have been called really hurt me and get to me!

Once Ben called me something, which I really wanted to take out a gun and shoot him for. And there have been so many times I feel like putting a hole in Jin Sei’s head with a long sharp stick.

But I have not. I did not.

Not because there weren’t any weapons around me. Believe me, a pen or some keys can do a lot of damage too. Not because I didn’t have any guts or whatever shit you so-called ‘macho’ people put a front with.

It’s plain NO-BRAINS!

I think V Tech people should just pull down the memorial for Cho Seung-Hui. They should just destroy that memorial stone for Cho. He doesn’t deserve it.

He killed about 30 people with a future ahead of them (excluding some teachers). They were on their way to something bigger, something greater. They were so smart. Some of the research work they were doing could really benefit society. They were so brilliant and talented.

Cut short, by one lousy Asian’s brainless behavior.

I’m so fucking outraged!

DO YOU KNOW THE YOUTH OF THESE PEOPLE!

One of them was only 2 years older than me!

Such a bright future, gone down the drain! No way in a 100 lifetimes will Cho Seung-Hui ever be able to repay what he did in this lifetime!

I’m just so saddened and at the same time furious.

The title of this entry is “Making Sense of a Massacre”, which appeared on the Time cover page. How can anyone make sense of a massacre?

How can anyone make sense of mindless killing?

This is NOT about gun culture or whatever nonsense people have been blaming it on. Guns have been around for so long. But only the truly immature, stupid and brainless people would use them for anything other than self-defense. Only they, will use guns to massacre innocents.

It’s about the mindset and mentality of some people.

They should really just jump down a building now and go straight to hell. Before they do such things to shock the world, change everybody and wreck every home.

No one would miss them anyway.

Leave Me Alone, Why Can’t You?

Sometimes I feel so damn annoyed.

RIPC.

RE.

Morrison House.

Studies.

Everyone’s telling me to do something.

Marcus. Paul. Calling. Calling. Every single fucking day of the week.

Pinhong. Yapping on and on about Photog club.

Chen Xuan. Calling for meetings every single day of the week.

Steven telling me to do the English letter. Every teacher reminding about the files.

Shit, shit, and more shit.

Can’t I just have a day off?

Can’t I just tell someone, “Sorry. Not available.”

Can’t people JUST DO THINGS WITHOUT ME?!

For GOD’S SAKE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONCE! FOR A FEW HOURS!

Is that too hard to ask for?

Since my RE group mates think they are the soul and essence of all things honourable, and they don’t lie or slack, why can’t they handle some simple information and some simple tasks one day of the year?

Less than twelve hours, even!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my RE group. I love my CCAs. I love my commitments.

But sometimes I’m so damned irritated.

I just want to be alone. I just want to be uncontactable, to be alone and peaceful, without people bugging me or asking me to do things, things and things WHICH THEY THEMSELVES CAN DO!

Just for one day. Just for a few fucking hours.

I can’t get to an island for a day. I can’t fly myself to Fiji or some random island. So here’s what I do.

I pulled out my phone line. I turned off my computer. I turned off my handphone.

God forbid, I need some quiet time. Time to myself.

So just leave me alone.

Thank you.

Dear. Mr President

P!nk:

“Dear Mr. President”(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me.

Let’s pretend we’re just two people and
You’re not better than me.
I’d like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.
What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We’re not dumb and we’re not blind.
They’re all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter’s rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You’ve come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you ’bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you ’bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you ’bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you ’bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don’t know nothing ’bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh! How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President,
You’d never take a walk with me.
Would you?

I Am @ Youth.SG – GRAND FINALS

So I was watching American Idol the other day, and I saw possibly one of the weirdest things on the show’s history.

What in the world is on his head? It looked like someone forgot his rooster.

Sanjaya is so popular. He’s popular and he’s known, not for his phenomenal singing, but for his identity. People know him as the brother of that good Indian-American female who was kicked out earlier in the show. People know him as the American Joakim Gomez.

And of course, now he’s known for his beautiful crown.

I don’t wish I could be like him, but I do feel that he has a strong identity and image. Isn’t that what teens nowadays all yearn after? A look, a style. That’s why baggy jeans and ripped kneeholes at one point in time were the big look that everyone should have. Either turn up at a gathering wearing jeans that have seen better days or face disdaining looks from ‘cooler, hipper’ people.

Every teenager is struggling to find his place in this world, his position in life, his identity that makes him special, and to stand out from the crowd. That’s a social problem right now.

Who doesn’t want to be special? Tell me one person who doesn’t like watching Heroes, and I’ll tell you that guy has something loose in his head. The reason why Heroes is so popular is because the characters are all unique and so special. We have Claire, who can’t seem to die. We have Niki, whose Multiple Personality Disorder takes on a whole new dimension. We have the Petrelli Brothers, who have powers that they want to keep a secret. We have Hiro, who ironically, wants powers so much because he wants to be special.

For how long have we always dreamt of being special? I for one, can recall the days when I was younger, wishing I was a Power Ranger or something, saving the world. Sometimes nowadays, I wonder how it would be like to be one of those secret agents on Alias.

Isn’t that why we’re all drawn to TV? TV contains characters that have an identity, that are special, and have a greater purpose in the overall plot and storyline. Heck, some people are even drawn to Harry Potter plainly because he is an un-plain wizard and not a lousy old Squib or Muggle.

This search for identity, for purpose is so important.

How many times have we felt that our life was purposeless, meaningless and there was nothing in life to keep us going?

Surely, more than once.

I study in Raffles. So people think that I, we, have this bigger destiny to fulfill. We’re ‘trained’, so to speak, to be future leaders, to be kickass politicians who can dwarf George Bush when it comes to paycheck comparison.

But there are times when I feel that I have no destiny. I have no image. I have no identity, and no purpose.

When I fail. When I don’t succeed. When sadness is around me. Then I feel really ungrounded. I feel drifting. I feel unspecial and useless.

You may say its the training of Raffles. We’re taught to think we need to succeed, to be the best at what we do, to be good.

I think it’s the training of the Singapore society.

Go out to Popular now. Watch all those aunties and motherly beings snap up assessment books faster than the latest Rain CD or tickets to watch Olivia Newton John live. Watch all the little kids hanging by their mothers’ sides, helplessly watching their mothers rack up hundreds in books written by Andrew Er and the likes, unable to speak out.

How can anyone not feel a twinge of pity for these children? These children, from young, are forced to do all these assessment books. It surely isn’t natural. I know my cousin as a personal example. Only Primary 4 and he’s doing Primary 5 and 6 work.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT!

From young we are given all these assessment books and assessment this and that. We are shown pictures of doctors, lawyers, politicians and are expected to rake in tens of thousands of dollars a year. A parent is lying when she says, “As long as when you grow up, you don’t become a criminal or vermin to society, I’ll be happy already.”

Yeah right. Let’s see how happy she is when you’re working as a receptionist or secretary.

We are told NEVER, NEVER to venture into the arts or drama or the very risky and unstable music industry. And yet when we are young, parents send us to speech and drama courses. To boost our confidence, or just to prove a point that we are our parents’ children, we are given every single tuition course and talent course that is on this island and are assumed we are super computers and can take anything thrown our way.

News Flash: Not even super computers can take anything thrown their way.

So it’s no wonder when sometimes Singaporean teens (not just me) don’t seem to know their purpose in life, their place in the world or their identity.

From young, our parents ‘force-feed’ us with books, information and everything that fits on a ten-year program. From the moment we can talk and walk, we are taught, taught and taught. Hardly anything we learn ourselves.

We are so used to how it works, that the world revolves and moves at a pace that is unnatural, yet to us, we find it perfectly normal. Go to school. Go CCA. Come Home. Study. Revise. Check emails. Go to sleep. Repeat cycle for the next day. It moves so fast (it’s ALREADY APRIL 2007!) yet we hardly feel the speed because we’ve been trained to accept the pace and go with the flow.

And for students studying at Raffles, it’s much worse. We’re expected to make good with our lives. Projects are thrown at us so often. Deadlines are tighter. People assume we’re more than human because we’re from a so-called ‘prestigious school’. We’re expected to have flawless morality and perfect behavior. We cannot go wild or risk our school’s image (anyone remember the whole debacle on STOMP about the RJ guy vs. ACS guy over some girl?).

We’re expected, basically, to succeed all the time. And that doesn’t happen. Not to me. Not to anyone. And sometimes it hurts when people are doing better than you. It’s not so much jealousy than fear. Fear of not being able to succeed as ingrained in us. It’s so damned competitive that if you slow down, even for a bit, you’re left in the dust. As I type this, my mind wanders to the Math test I have on Monday.

We just can’t stop.

Only when at times, we get so sad, we get so depressed, that all of a sudden everything falls into perspective. We realize that all this running sucks and that our lives seem so fake. And yet we can do nothing about it.

How can we escape from what we’ve known to be our lives for, well, our whole life?

That’s why people want to be unique. People want to be special. People want to attain fame. People want to get on American Idol / Singapore Idol no matter what. Who cares if they’re the next William Hung, She Bangs extraordinaire? People want to have an image. People want to be known for something.

Because all our life, we are normal. We are stuck away, hidden in some closet, controlled by our parents until we are old enough to control.

Teenagers… that’s how it is for us. Singaporean teens need to find a voice, to express, a look to show, and a belief to stick with.

I believe I have found something, but it will take a lot more to find what I really need, and what I really want.

In the meantime, I can only pick myself up and look forward to a brighter future, a better day, when I have finally found my happiness.

I am @ Youth. SG

A Quick One

I just realized that when one goes into Orchard Road, one needs to have a substantial amount of money in his or her wallet.

I just came back from shopping for presents for BC, and boy, was I tempted. HMV alone was tempting like siao. I wished I had $300 to buy the stuff I wanted. I calculated okay. S$300.

Then got New Urban Male, Bods.Bodynits, MPH… so many damn shops that happen to be my faves!!!

So darn furious I didn’t bring like, $500. I was sorely tempted to buy damn lot of things. Even Alaric wanted a $100 Airbus A380 plane model.

That’s all I wanted to say, really.

A lesson for all out there and a note to self. Always bring enough money when going out to city area.

Stop being Asses

A lot of people think I have a good sense of humor.

That’s what a lot of people say.

Not to be all ego or anything, but I usually crack jokes, lighten the mood – my personality basically is carefree and kinda funny in a way.

But humor goes some point. At some point I get pissed and I will get completely mad.

Right now im eternally grouchy. Don’t ask why. Maybe the Sec 4 year, which I incidentally hate, is taking a toll on me. Stress, homework, all that shit is seriously tiring me to no end.

Mr Joseph Wong put it best – right now we’re put through intense rigor just so we can better prepare ourselves for the future.

Time is passing so fast, yet I feel as if it’s crawling. It’s so slow, the way I feel it, that I just need something to make time move faster and speed up till this nightmare is over.

Yes, right now I’m living in a worrisome nightmare.

A lot of adults (my parents included) wish they could go back in time, back to their childhood, when things were carefree and fun.

Like what Morrie in ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ (by Mitch Albom) said, “(People that wish they were younger) reflect unfulfilled lives. Lives that havent found meaning. Because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back.”

I don’t want to age. All I want to do is just to live out a life stress-free! I guess, in Singapore, where everything is driven by the golden wishes of dreams, what I’m saying has got to sound naive.

But we do live out stressfree parts of our lives in some way.

For some people, singing takes the stress away. For some people, reading takes stress away. Computer games. Sports.

For me, personally, as I’ve mentioned, 3 things help balance out my stress:
1) Music
2) Open Spaces
3) Humour

But there are times when I just want to be alone. In an open space (a large field below a large sky… canoeing out in the open sea etc) armed with a good camera with good telephoto and zoom lenses. Just alone. Sometimes I feel really bad, really stressed, and the last thing I want is for someone to make some rude, shitty comment or pass some stupid, fucked up insult at me just because they are just too immature to be anything else.


God Bless them if they do, because I will tear them apart if that ever happens.

Right now, so far, no one has ever given me enough ‘motivation’ to rip into them with all the force of a hurricane.

But in this year, many people have come close. I won’t say it out loud, but people, you HAVE GOT TO BE ABLE TO READ BODY LANGUAGE!

When I’m not having a good day, the last thing I need is for you to pass some so-called ‘joke’ about me eternally not doing well in my studies and not making my parents proud or whatever shit.

Because it hits where it matters most. And even though I know I shouldn’t let myself be affected by such comments, sometimes I just feel so mad I want to tear into the person with raging force.

Not kill, of course, because NO ONE IS GRANTED PERMISSION TO TAKE ANOTHER’S LIFE.

But all I’m saying is, this year has started out really bad.

The Pig year is supposedly good for the Goat, but right now it really doesn’t seem so.

Yes, I am humourous. Yes, I can take an insult or two, or three. I can take jokes as well as I can dish em out.

But when a certain person in class repeatedly cracks some wisecrack name at me even though i tell him to keep his trap shut, I really really wish the person would just go to hell. When a certain other person in class tries to be an annoying bitch by threatening me, I just wish that the person didn’t fucking exist and my life would be so much happier and nicer.

It comes to a certain point everyday when the hours tick so damn slowly that I wonder how I will ever have the strength to pass through the day.

Already it’s not looking well for me, and the last thing I need is for some irritating ass to grind my nerves and get into my skin.

So a word of caution to all out there. All who know me, and you know who you are. Especially those mentioned in this post.

Shut up, and let me live my life.